For all the interesting and problematic quotes that Tolkien's Letter 43 gives us, one line that I found quite beautiful and that really struck home with me is when Tolkien is talking about how his son and men more generally should think about the women in their lives "as companions in shipwreck not guiding stars". Simply as a metaphor for love this line is quite beautiful as Tolkien paints a striking image of a seafarer wandering the oceans following the next brightest star that draws his attention living a life that is forever unfulfilled and lacking in true happiness and love until he finds himself shipwrecked and discovers companionship that will be with him through the tragedy and Fall that is human existence. As a way of thinking about love and one's life this appears to be a concept that Tolkien may have idealized and believed in, but one which he struggled with. It appears that Tolkien highly idealized his wife whom he viewed as his own Luthien. As was pointed out in class, many of the women in Tolkien's stories tend to be highly idealized and lack a certain amount of deeper characterization that deals with their flaws which causes them to be thought about as "a kind of guiding star or divinity".
In the relationships between male humans and female elves (Luthien and Beren, Aragorn and Arwen) the female elves are held up as nearly prefect divinities whose light the men cannot help but be drawn into by. The decisions of the female elves to give up their immortality for the mortal men whom they love appears to usually be used as one of the more sexist or problematic parts of Tolkien's work. I think however there might be much more to these decisions than the women simply being forced into choosing the 'family life' and therefore being somehow subservient or having less free will than their mortal men counterparts. Tolkien certainly wants us to see these decisions as being the 'correct' choice and I have no issues with this and do not see this as problematic as others have said (see Is Tolkien Seixst?).
In order to think about why we should see the decisions to forsake immortality for love as the correct choice we first need to think about what immortality means in Tolkiens legendarium. The gift of death was given to humans by Illuvatar to allow them to operate beyond the music of the Ainur and to shape their own lives as they wished. The consensus in class seemed to be that elves are not therefore better off than humans. The elves have to live with the regret of the whole history of the world, and they cannot escape the burden of the countless sorrowful memories that have plagued them throughout their existence. Therefore while humans want immortality and envy the elves, the elves in turn envy the humans and want to be able to escape this world which they have been trapped in. The fear or spirit of men upon death departs from the world for a destination unknown even to the Valar.
When thought about from this angle a few questions arise for me. How is Arwen able to make the choice to forsake her immortal life? By giving up their immortal lives, are Luthien and Arwen then able to operate outside the music of the Ainur and shape their own lives as the please? Is this a choice many elves would make if they were able to? It seems that the love between Aragorn and Arwen and Luthien and Beren allowed the elven women to be freed from their ties to the Earth that the rest of the elves are unable to escape because of how they were made. Arwen especially seems to have had the best of both world because not only did she get to live for a few thousand years as an immortal, she also got to be with the person she loved and escape all her sorrowful memories an finally die. From the perspective of Tolkien's world i am having a hard time seeing how this could be anything but the most correct choice. Additionally just being able to make the choice to be with the person that you love at the end of the day seems to be the right choice. Tolkien, in my view at least, seems to be trying to get us to believe that humans because of this gift from Illuvatar are better off than elves, so it only makes sense that the choice is made for the couple to both be human and that this is good. In this case of the human that chose immortality to be with the elf he loved i think that we are supposed to also believe that is a fine decision to make because humans have free will and can make that choice if they so choose. He may however have regretted that choice after a couple thousand years.
Lastly, i think it is not only important that the choice is given to the women in the case of Luthien and Arwen and not to the men, but going back to the quote about guiding starts and companions in shipwreck it is quite beautiful that the 'stars' choose to literally Fall from the sky to be companions with the loves of their life in the greatest tragedy and shipwreck of all existence, mortality. I know i have argued throughout this blog post that death is supposed to be a better choice than immortality, but that does not change the fact that death is still not sad and tragic, especially when it comes too soon. The argument over whether Tolkien is sexist or not and whether the characters of Arwen and Luthien somehow contribute to this to me seems somewhat moot because at the end of the day Tolkien is a man, and all men are sexist to some degree. In letter 43 Tolkien is speaking from his heart, and while many problematic quotes can be drawn from this letter, i hope they do not detract from his greater work.